Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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