i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
