I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
