I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
