When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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