dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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