dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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