we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
