she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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