he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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