The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I love having hate sex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
