I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
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Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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