Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
