We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
