i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
