the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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