unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
