i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
