I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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