I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
