This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
