YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
