dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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