Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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