i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
