You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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