Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
