So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
