Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
