my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
