fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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