the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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