I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
