my mouth tastes like poor choices
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
