I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
