I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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