I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
