You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
