i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
