I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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