All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Randomize
