The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he thought i was a dude.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
