people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
