Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
