You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
