Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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