what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
