You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
