ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
