its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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