She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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