4 words: hood of his car
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
