remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
