He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
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going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list