I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right