I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
