He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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